Ten Key Leadership Qualities
That Command Respect
 
Randal K. Young

1. An Undefiled Marriage

1 Tim 3:2 -- Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife...
Prov 6:25-29 -- Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished.
Prov 6:32-35 -- But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away; for jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is.

Keep clear of all pornography. Avoid temptation by staying away from certain newstands, video stores, and magazine racks that make such material too easily accessible to you.

If you need help in avoiding sexual involvement with a counselee, you can:

• dress modestly and with a bit more formality than you are used to
• meet in a church structure in order to remind the person the type of relationship being pursued
• bring your spouse or friend along on the visit
• state clearly the purpose of the visit
• state clearly the length of time you intend to take

Seek out marriage enrichment programs (e.g. retreats, seminars) on a regular, non-crisis basis.

One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her... She came to him, and he slept with her... David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the Lord." Nathan replied, "The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the Lord show utter contempt, the son born to you will die." (2 Sam 11,12) Even though God will forgive the sin of adultery, lust, and fornication, the Lord's reputation and the leader's reputation among outsiders is severely injured by the sin.

2. An Open Home

Lev 19:34 -- The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.
Acts 18:25-27 -- He had been instructed in the way of the Lord, and he spoke with great fervor and taught about Jesus accurately, though he knew only the baptism of John. He began to speak boldly in the synagogue. When Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they invited him to their home and explained to him the way of God more adequately. When Apollos wanted to go to Achaia, the brothers encouraged him and wrote to the disciples there to welcome him. On arriving, he was a great help to those who by grace had believed.
Rom 12:13 -- Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
1 Tim 3:2 -- Now the overseer must be... hospitable,
Titus 1:8 -- He must be hospitable, one who loves what is good,
1 Peter 4:9 -- Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.
3 John 1:5-8 -- even though they are strangers to you...We ought therefore to show hospitality to such men so that we may work together for the truth.

An open home wins more respect than a model home.

The Bible indicates two pillars of Christian hospitality: an invitation to eat over, and an invitation to stay over.

The rooms you invite strangers to enter will non-verbally indicate the level of hospitality you want to offer them. See diagram below.

3. Growing Disciples

Prov 31:26 -- She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
Matt 28:19 -- Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit
1 Tim 3:2 -- Now the overseer must be ... able to teach,
2 Tim 2:24-25 -- And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.
Titus 2:1-15 -- You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them, and not to steal from them, but to show that they can be fully trusted, so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive. For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope--the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.

The purpose of Christian teaching is NOT just to impart knowledge. Rather, it is to shape the life of the learner. This is why Christian teaching methods should not be the same as that of the secular classroom.

Choose a common, everyday setting for teaching -- Jesus taught on the beach, in the home, in a boat, and in the streets. In short, He taught in the places of daily life, where ever the disciples were at the moment. This way, three things happen:

• The content learned is immediately integrated with present experience.
• The content learned is in useful and useable form.
• The content learned is directly applied to living the Christian life.

Therefore, teach college students on their own campuses. Teach factory workers in their own factory. Teach accountants in their own office buildings. Teach high schoolers on a football field.

Talk about Christ during ordinary, everyday activities -- see Deut. 6:6,7

Develop a close personal relationship with your learners.

4. Obedient Children

Prov 17:21 -- To have a fool for a son brings grief; there is no joy for the father of a fool.
Prov 31:28 -- Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.
1Tim 3:4 -- He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.
1 Tim 3:12 -- A deacon must ... manage his children and his household well.
Titus 1:6 -- An elder must be ... a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.

THE FOUR FAMILY FACTORS

Harvard University sociologists Cheldon and Eleanor Clueck developed a test (that proved to be 90 percent accurate) to determine whether or not five and six year olds would become delinquent. (Unraveling Juvenile Delinquency, Mass: Harvard Univ. Press, 1950, pp. 257-71) They discovered that the four primary factors necessary to prevent delinquency are:

• the father's firm, fair, and consistent discipline
• the mother's supervision and companionship during the day
• the parent's demonstrated affection for each other and for the children
• the family's spending time together in activities where all participated

Christian psychiatrist Dr. Paul Meier confirms that these factors produce healthy parent-child relations.

THE EIGHT CAUSES OF RESENTMENT IN CHILDREN

1. OVERPROTECTION -- Parents who smother their children, overly restrict where they can go and what they can do, never trust them to do things on their own, and continually question their judgment build a barrier between themselves and their children -- usually under the delusion that they are building a closer relationship.
2. FAVORITISM -- For parents to compare their children with each other, especially in the children's presence, can be devastating to the child who is less talented or favored. He will tend to become discouraged, resentful, and bitter.
3. PUSHING ACHIEVEMENT BEYOND REASONABLE BOUNDS -- A child can be so pressured to achieve that he is virtually destroyed. He quickly learns that nothing he does is sufficient to please his parents.
4. DISCOURAGEMENT -- A child who is never complimented or encouraged by his parents is destined for trouble. If he is always told what is wrong with him and never what is right, he will soon lose hope and become convinced that he is incapable of doing anything right. Parents should always find something that a child genuinely does well, and they should show appreciation for it.
5. MAKING THEM FEEL UNWANTED -- Parents who fail to sacrifice for their children make them feel that they are an intrusion.
6. FAILING TO LET CHILDREN GROW UP AT A NORMAL PACE -- Chiding them for always acting childish, even when what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, does not contribute to their maturity but rather helps confirm them in their childishness.
7. USING LOVE AS A TOOL OF REWARD -- Because it is so easy to punish out of anger, parents should take special care to let their children know they love them when disicpline is given.
8. PHYSICAL AND VERBAL ABUSE

5. Good Reputation Among Unbelievers

2 Chron 9:22 -- King Solomon was greater in riches and wisdom than all the other kings of the earth. All the kings of the earth sought audience with Solomon to hear the wisdom God had put in his heart.
1 Cor 6:6 -- But instead, one brother goes to law against another--and this in front of unbelievers!
1Cor 10:27 -- If some unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience.
1Cor 14:23 -- So if the whole church comes together and everyone speaks in tongues, and some who do not understand or some unbelievers come in, will they not say that you are out of your mind?
Col 4:5 -- Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.
1 Thes 4:12 -- Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders...
1 Tim 3:7 -- He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

6. A Generous Lifestyle

Eccl 5:10 -- Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.
Luke 12:15 -- Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."
Acts 4:32 -- All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.
2 Cor 12:14-15 -- Now I am ready to visit you for the third time, and I will not be a burden to you, because what I want is not your possessions but you... So I will very gladly spend for you everything I have and expend myself as well. If I love you more, will you love me less?
1 Tim 3:3 -- Now the overseer must be ... not a lover of money.
1 Peter 5:2 -- Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers ... not greedy for money, but eager to serve;

Give according to need, not percentage -- In the New Testament church, Paul instructed Christians to give as the need arose. In Acts 2:42, they gave ALL of their possessions, because the need was great. But in 1 Cor 16:1-4, decades later, they gave only a portion of their income, in order to help the struggling church in Jerusalem. And in 1 Cor 12:14-15, though Paul did not actually give all he had to the Corinthians, he did say that would be willing to give ALL of his money away if they really needed it. Therefore, give or share your possessions according to the needs of your family, the needs of your disciples, the needs of the Christian community, the needs of the church, as well as the needs of yourself.

Dedicate all your possessions towards the service of others, for the Lord -- This is perhaps the most difficult decision that a Christian leader must make. Yet it is a requirement, because if we say that we have dedicated our entire lives to Jesus Christ, then our dedication must include our possessions too.

Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I have already dedicated my life to you when I professed my faith before your people. Now, Lord, take my possessions, my car, my home, my income and my wealth, so that it may be used for your glory. I pray that all these possessions may be used to serve others, to build them up, and to give glory to your name. These possessions will be used not for building my own empire, but for your Kingdom. Amen.

7. A Sober Mind

Prov 31:4 -- "It is not for kings, O Lemuel--not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, lest they drink and forget what the law decrees, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.
1 Tim 3:2 -- Now the overseer must be above reproach, ... not given to drunkenness,
1 Tim 3:8 -- Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine
Titus 1:7 -- Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless--... not given to drunkenness
Titus 2:3 -- Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.

Scripture sees drunkeness as the state of being out of control, and being prone to commit acts that a sober person would not normally commit. This is the only reason why the Scriptures speak out against drinking wine. Therefore, the Scriptures do not prohibit the occasional drinking of wine, but rather it prohibits anything that causes one to lose control of his/her behavior. God emphasizes this prohibition especially for the leader.

LOSING SELF-CONTROL TODAY

• DRUNKENESS & ALCOHOLISM
• INFLUENCE FROM DRUGS & DRUG ADDICTION
• COFFEE/CAFFIENE ADDICTION
• ADDICTION TO TOBACCO
• FITS OF RAGE -- LOSS OF EMOTIONAL CONTROL
• MANIC DEPRESSION & PSYCHOLOGICAL ILLNESS

8. A Gentle Tongue

Prov 15:1 -- A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Prov 17:27 -- A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
Prov 17:28 -- Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.
James 1:26 -- If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.
James 3:1-8 -- Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly... take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. But no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness.

Practical Points from Proverbs

• Guard against flattery -- Prov. 26:28
• Guard against gossip -- Prov. 25:9-10
• Guard against boasting -- Prov. 27:2
• Speak only after listening -- Prov. 18:13
• Speak only after understanding -- Prov. 11:12
• Don't speak impulsively when angry -- Prov. 12:16
• When you're in doubt what to say, keep silent -- Prov. 17:28
• Speak gently and softly -- Prov. 15:1

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps. 'He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in His mouth.' When they hurled their insults at Him, he did not retaliate; when He suffered, He made no threats. Instead, He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly." (1 Pet. 2:21)

9. A Servant's Will

Prov 15:33 -- The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor.
Matt 20:25-26 -- Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
2 Cor 1:24 -- Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm. So I made up my mind that I would not make another painful visit to you. (Paul avoids being overbearing to the Corinthian church members.)
1 Tim 3:6 -- He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil.
Titus 1:7 -- Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless--not overbearing,
1 Peter 5:2 -- Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers.... not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.

TWELVE WAYS TO DOMINATE INSTEAD OF LEAD

1. Use your superior knowledge of Scripture to snow the opposition.
2. Wrest Scripture out of context to use as a club.
3. Intimidate by a display of temper, shouting, pouting and other such kid stuff.
4. Threaten to quit if they don't do it your way.
5. Seek support for your position by privately persuading other elders.
6. Be stubborn and hold out for your way until everyone gets tired and gives in.
7. Sneak the action through when some of the opposition is out of town.
8. Make public announcement of a decision before it's made by the board; then they will have to do it your way.
9. Cut down those who disagree with you in your messages from the pulpit.
10. Pull your rank; tell them, "The Lord told me this is the way we do it."
11. Think through all the answers, plan all the programs, and just tell them what we're going to do. Don't ever open the door for them to think, make suggestions or plan with you.*
12. Be the whole show on the platform at every meeting. That way nobody else can get a word in.

* see Prov. 15:22

HOW TO BE A LEADER AND A SERVANT AT THE SAME TIME

Develop an attitude of being among the people, not over them -- Watch how you dress and how you mingle. Don't create an over-distinction between you and those whom you are ministering to. Be like a shepherd: he doesn't push the sheep forward from behind -- he leads them forward from within the midst of them.

Concentrate on modelling and teaching, rather than giving orders -- Being an example to the flock (cf. 1 Peter 5:4) and being a teacher are the two primary tools of the true servant-leader. Although it is necessary for the servant-leader to delegate tasks, he/she must not become a dictator who relies on order-giving as the primary means of getting a task done.

Don't use people to make your goal; make it your goal to reach people -- People can tell when you're just trying to use them, and when you really care for them. Be people-oriented, not task-oriented. Although the work of the church does consist of tasks and projects, we must remember that the purpose of all tasks is to reach PEOPLE for Christ.

10. Diligent Hands

Prov 12:24 -- Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in slave labor.
Prov 18:9 -- One who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys.
Rom 16:12 -- Greet Tryphena and Tryphosa, those women who work hard in the Lord. Greet my dear friend Persis, another woman who has worked very hard in the Lord.
1 Cor 4:12 -- We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it;
Col 3:23 -- Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,
1 Thess 5:12 -- Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you.
1 Tim 4:14 -- Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you. Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.

Seek rest, not retirement -- God promises rest for weary souls, but nowhere in Scripture does He promise retirement. Christians, especially leaders, should not seek the worldly conception of retirement; that is, an unproductive, endless, self-serving lifestyle. God does not call Christians to merely lie on the beach every moment after 65. This is not the "paradise" that we should seek after. Rather, the "paradise" we should seek after is one where we still work. Although there will be no more exhaustion, no more tyrant bosses, no more stress, and no more pain, there will nonetheless be work. Joyful, fulfilling work... like it was back in the Garden of Eden.

Plan for periods of rest -- Diligence is not the same as busywork. Diligence is EFFECTIVE work. Though they may be working busily, Christian leaders can become discouraged, over-stressed, irritable, and INEFFECTIVE, if they do not get adequate rest. Also, families may crumble, people become unimportant, and the church may actually stagnate, if its leaders don't get the rest they need. Plan regular periods of rest in your schedule. Don't make work into a god. As a general rule, Christian leaders (pastors too) need the following as a minimum:

• Daily Diversion -- at least one and a half hours a day doing something different from the rest of the day.
• Weekly Withdrawal -- at least one full day per week not having anything to do with the business of the other six days.
• Annual Abandonment -- at least three weeks vacation a year, two weeks for lower-stress occupations. Business trips don't count as vacations.